Ms. Selphie
by Marree
Summary: Wow, took me a while to get this up from the mailing list lol. Okay, who's seen the Ms. Cleo ads? Well, Selphie and Irvine need some extra money, so....


Ms. Selphie  
by Mariye  
  
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Disclaimer: I do not own FF8. I don't own any of those psychics that inspired this fic. I once knew the Psychotic Psychic, but luckily that friend got medication. o^-^o BTW: People will prob ask if I believe in psychics. Honestly, I don't know. I can read palms and tarot cards though, and from personal experience its not real. (In fact, for palm reading what I'll do sometimes is I'll just go by people's reactions. Like if I'm reading a friend's palm I'll say that I see a career change, gauge their reaction, then set a time period. Some of my friends swear I am psychic by the way lol.)  
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"Irvine... I don't know about this..." Selphie nudged the turban on her head.  
  
"Listen, do you want the cruise and limo for our prom?" Irvine adjusted the camcorder.  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"Do you have any money?"  
  
"No... I mean, I'm a student."  
  
"Neither do I. Trust me. This will make us money! Now get ready to shoot the comercial..."  
  
"Fine. This isn't going on live, is it?"  
  
Irvine paused and looked at the tv screen next to him.  
  
"Would that be a problem?"  
  
"Well I think it would."  
  
"Then its not. Okay! You're on!"  
  
Selphie stared at the stack of tarot cards in front of her.  
  
~Hmm..... I know there's a way to do this....~  
  
She shrugged.   
  
~No biggie.~  
  
She proceeded to start to play solitaire.  
  
"Oh, hello everyone! I am Ms. Selphie and I am here to tell you what lies ahead for you! The cards know all, and so I know all!"  
  
"Selphie! Try to act more etcentric! All psychics are strange people! Come on! This is LIVE! We only get one take." Irvine hissed from behind the camera.  
  
"WHAT? I AM NOT STRANGE!" Selphie folded her hands in front of her. "I can't believe this. Live?"  
  
"Um... Ms. Selphie hears voices of spirits telling you your future..." Irvine said in the background.  
  
"Yeah, and one voice is telling me that if someone doesn't watch it his favorite rifle is gonna end up in the toliet." Selphie said in a sing-songy voice. She looked at the clock behind her.  
  
"Oh! Time's almost up! Okay, so call me now! Ask about love! Life! Fights! Fortune! Fame! I know all! Buh bye!" Selphie waved at the camera.  
  
"That was great Selphie! Beautiful! Where are you going?" Irvine walked over to hhug her, but she walked past him.  
  
"Oh? I just have to do something..."  
  
She walked into his closet and was searching around.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't worry about it Irvy!"  
  
She pulled out one of his rifle cases.  
  
"Wait! Isn't that Old Jim?"  
  
"Oh, is it?" She examined the box. "I guess it is. I'll be right back."  
  
"Honey? Baby? Sefie? SELPHIE!" He started to try and grab her arm when the phone on Selphie's table rang.  
  
"Huh?" She stopped long enough for him to grab the case.  
  
"Oh thank you Hyne! Oh Jim.... I'm so glad you're alright..." He hugged his gun tightly. "Daddy is going to go put you in a safe place where that mean lady can't find you and hurt you..."  
  
Selphie rolled her eyes as she picked up the phone.   
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey! This is Z.... um... no... Tell.... Yeah, thats it."  
  
"Zell?" Selphie scrunched up her face.  
  
"WHAT? Who told?!?!"  
  
"So Zell, what can Ms. Selphie do for you hun?"  
  
"Well, I'm wondering about my love life. See, there was this girl..."  
  
"Oh!" Selphie looked at her solitaire game and continued playing. "Yes, the cards see a girl..."   
  
"They do?"  
  
"Yes, and books too. Is this girl involved with books?" Selphie watched Irvine in the background pulling up floor boards to create a hiding place.  
  
"Yeah! She is! What do you see?"  
  
"Boy, that girl is TROUBLE!"  
  
".... Trouble?"  
  
"Yes, she's a heart breaker. There's this conceited SeeD I see... he frequents her work a lot. And she's gonna fall for him and CHEAT ON YOU!"  
  
"Hey! I know that guy! He's in my martial arts class."  
  
"Yeah, he's gonna steal her just to hurt you!"  
  
"WHAT? I'm gonna show him..... Thanks Ms. Selphie!"  
  
Selphie hung up the phone.   
  
~That was easier than I thought. Kinda fun too...~ She smiled and played with the magic 8 ball that was on the table.   
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Irvy?" She saw him rubbing his hand.  
  
"No! Don't look! You can't see my hiding spot!" Irvine tried to block the hole with his body.  
  
"I know you're trying to hide 'Old Jim' under the floor."  
  
"Really? Maybe you are psychic..." Irvine walked over. "So how's it going so far?"  
  
"Pretty good. Its fun."  
  
"Maybe you should use an accent...."  
  
{Ring! Ring!}  
  
"Okay, on this one." She picked up the phone. "Hello? Dis be Ms. Selphie? How can I help ya Darling?"  
  
"Yes, this is 'The Instructor' and I have two questions."  
  
"Why sure Honey how kin I help ya now?" Selphie hit Irvine as he started laughing in the background.  
  
"Well... first I'd like to ask about my job..."  
  
"Oh Darlin I see you been mistreated."  
  
"Yes. I was fired a while ago. I've been offered my job back."  
  
"Okay listen to me. Dere's dis man, and he gon try and make you come crawlin back now. YOU GOT TO STAND STRONG GIRL! Hold out and make him respect you."  
  
"Wow... okay. Now there's this man. he's kind of a social outcast."  
  
"I see he's a man in power. Maybe a commander Hun?"  
  
"What? No, he's not."  
  
Selphie hesitated and looked at Irvine. He shrugged.  
  
"Um... den is he possibly a very hyperactive young lad?"  
  
"No, he's not hyperactive at all."  
  
Selphie shifted in her seat. She looked at the miscellaneous psychic artifacts on her table.  
  
"Is he a ladies man?" She glared at Irvine who started making wild hand motions and shaking his head.  
  
"No. Ms. Selphie? Are you really a psychic?"  
  
"Oh yes Dear, its just its a little foggy. Can you tell me something about his background?"  
  
"He's always been a dreamer..."  
  
Selphie's eyes lit up. "Oh yes! I see it all now! Dis man, he was a knight of some sort?"  
  
"... He was. That isn't a good thing though."  
  
Irvine was frantically writing somethings down. Selphie peeked over his shoulder and giggled.  
  
"Oh Girl, you are so lucky. Dis man, he love you very deeply."  
  
"He does?"  
  
"Oh yes Instructor! He is the ONE for you!"  
  
"Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. Thank you Ms. Selphie!"  
  
"No problem Sweetheart!"  
  
Selphie hung up and burst into laughter.   
  
"She bought it?" Irvine asked, putting away his pen.  
  
"Oh yeah! Quistis and Seifer? That is hilarious!" She paused. "But what if she tells him based on what I told her?"  
  
"So?" Irvine dropped the notebook and went to adjust the phone cord.  
  
"She could really have her feelings hurt!"  
  
"But Selphie, think for a second. Quistis following Seifer around Garden." Irvine smiled and Selphie burst into laughter again.  
  
"Okay, you're right. Its mean, but funny. Besides, she's smart. She'll know its all a joke."  
  
"Exactly. Next call." Irvine pointed at the ringing phone.  
  
"Oh yeah!" Selphie picked it up. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey Baby." A snide voice said.  
  
"Who is this?" Selphie looked oddly at the phone.  
  
"Call me... The Dark Knight... So... is telling the future the only thing Ms. Selphie does?"  
  
"Listen I don't know what you think this is...." Selphie said disgustedly into the phone.  
  
"Do you liked whipped cream?"  
  
"Eeew!" Selphie tossed the phone at Irvine, who picked it up.  
  
"Come on baby... You know that wussy Cowboy isn't man enough for you..."  
  
"LISTEN YOU FREAK IF I EVER HEAR YOU TALKING TO MY GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT AGAIN I'LL HUNT YOUR LAPDOG BUTT DOWN!" Irvine slammed the phone down.  
  
"Irvy... I think I'm starting to not like this..."  
  
"Don't worry. That's why I'm around." He sat down next to her. "Besides. Three calls so far... Each lasting about five minutes... We've already made about $50!"  
  
"That's great!" Selphie hugged him. "Who knew 800 numbers could make so much money?"  
  
Irvine stopped for a second. "800 numbers?"  
  
"Yeah. I got the 800 number for us." Selphie said.  
  
"I said get the 900 number! Not the 800 number!" Irvine jumped up. "WE'RE gonna have to pay for their calls now!"  
  
"Hmmm.... I have an idea..." Selphie said getting up. She grabbed 'Old Jim's' case.  
  
"Selphie?" Irvine asked worried.  
  
"I wonder how much this would sell for...."  
  
"Selphie! No!!!"  
  
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[the end]  
  
Review and let me know if you want a sequel to Ms. Selphie!  
  



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